Severing the Conection Between Yourself and a Friend Can Be as Painful as Any Romantic Breakup

Nothing is more heartbreaking than the end of a relationship. There is a grieving period, and a need for closure which may never come to pass. When this affinity is romantic in nature everyone is there to help you and give you their advice. Support is endless. But what about when a platonic relationship breaks up? Who do you turn to when the person you are separating from is the usual place you would find solidarity and support?

Breaking up with a friend can be life shattering. You still have a grieving period, you still may never have closure, but there is much more to a friendship bust up than that. You lose the person you went to for support, you are no longer on good terms with someone who knows many, if not all, your dirty little secrets. If it was a messy break up and you are out to hurt each other you both know all the buttons to press to get maximum reactions. If you've been friends a long time there will be mutual friends involved as well, and they won't want to take sides. Your other friends are telling you to get over it and move on and stop talking about it, but just like a romantic break up, you need to talk about it to process what happened, how it went wrong, and how you will move on with your life without the other person.

You go through all the same emotions, blaming the other person, being angry, being sad, feeling alone and finally accepting it is over. Yet to the outside world it isn't something of great importance. For the two people severing friendship though, it can be a catastrophic event. As someone who is currently going through the tremendously painful experience of ending a close and once sacred friendship, I thought I would share some of the wisdom I am garnishing from this tragic life event.

Some friendships come to us for a season, all friendships come to us for a reason!

It is much too easy to re-write the past through anger, bitterness or hurt. Making the other person out to be something bad and someone you are glad to be rid of. It is much harder to see the relationship as the blessing it was. the fact of the matter is what you had was real. The support and help you gave each other was real. If we really do look at a relationship as something with seasons then eventually what has been sown needs to be reaped. This is not a bad thing, by moving on we can actually plant new seeds and grow as a person and allow the other person to do the same.

Moving in different directions is not a good or bad thing, its just a thingwhich happens. Friendships are born from having things in common, they are sustained by emotional and spiritual needs. When this emotional and spiritual connection becomes unbalanced a few things in common is not enough to glue the friendship together. 

So how do we find out we have an unbalanced connection?

When balanced a relationship is give and take, one side may give more or take more but there is a general cyclic flow to the nature of emotional, physical and spiritual support. When one person stops giving it the friendship will wear away over time. Eventually the relationship becomes lopsided. You may think this is the fault of the person who is only taking, but it isn't.

In every tango there is two people. If you are willingly giving to someone who never returns the energy you are just as complicit in the unbalanced nature of the relationship. If you have fed someone over time, without demanding an equal exchange, the friendship is given an unspoken acceptance to continue this way. If you then suddenly stop giving, and want to take something back there is no room for this in the relationship and so the friendship must either weather a storm or end.

Some friendships can weather any storm, and in these instances the connection comes back with time or hard work. It may not be the same connection it once was, but it is still two souls who see each other as sacred. Other friendships can not weather the storm and the two souls pull apart. It can be messy, hard, scary or it may be acrimonious. The friendship may be only a barren season, or it may be forever, only the universe and her Fates can possibly know at the time. No matter if the break up it is mutual or messy, it is going to be painful. Let yourself process the loss and grieve, explain to your friends how you just need to talk about your feelings the same way you would if it was a romantic break up. Keep in mind how special this person once was in your life and let the kinship be remembered as the sacred experience it was. 

Move forward in your life by thanking the universe for the lessons and experiences you received throughout the time you shared as friends. Have the grace and integrity to let go of the hurt and anger without letting it paint a good thing with hate and spite. When you lash out at the other person you are hurting yourself more than you hurt them.

Most importantly though, forgive yourself for eventually moving on without the other person, it is the right thing for both of you, no matter how much it hurts at the time.