Nothing
is more heartbreaking than the end of a relationship. There is a
grieving period, and a need for closure which may never come to pass.
When this affinity is romantic in nature everyone is there to help
you and give you their advice. Support is endless. But what about
when a platonic relationship breaks up? Who do you turn to when the
person you are separating from is the usual place you would find
solidarity and support?
Breaking
up with a friend can be life shattering. You still have a grieving
period, you still may never have closure, but there is much more to a
friendship bust up than that. You lose the person you went to for
support, you are no longer on good terms with someone who knows many,
if not all, your dirty little secrets. If it was a messy break up and
you are out to hurt each other you both know all the buttons to press
to get maximum reactions. If you've been friends a long time there
will be mutual friends involved as well, and they won't want to take
sides. Your other friends are telling you to get over it and move on
and stop talking about it, but just like a romantic break up, you
need to talk about it to process what happened, how it went wrong,
and how you will move on with your life without the other person.
You
go through all the same emotions, blaming the other person, being
angry, being sad, feeling alone and finally accepting it is over. Yet
to the outside world it isn't something of great importance. For the
two people severing friendship though, it can be a catastrophic
event. As someone who is currently going through the tremendously
painful experience of ending a close and once sacred friendship, I
thought I would share some of the wisdom I am garnishing from this
tragic life event.
Some
friendships come to us for a season, all friendships come to us for a
reason!
It
is much too easy to re-write the past through anger, bitterness or
hurt. Making the other person out to be something bad and someone you
are glad to be rid of. It is much harder to see the relationship as
the blessing it was. the fact of the matter is what you had was real.
The support and help you gave each other was real. If we really do
look at a relationship as something with seasons then eventually what
has been sown needs to be reaped. This is not a bad thing, by moving
on we can actually plant new seeds and grow as a person and allow the
other person to do the same.
Moving
in different directions is not a good or bad thing, its just a
thingwhich happens. Friendships are born from having things in
common, they are sustained by emotional and spiritual needs. When
this emotional and spiritual connection becomes unbalanced a few
things in common is not enough to glue the friendship together.
When
balanced a relationship is give and take, one side may give more or
take more but there is a general cyclic flow to the nature of
emotional, physical and spiritual support. When one person stops
giving it the friendship will wear away over time. Eventually the
relationship becomes lopsided. You may think this is the fault of the
person who is only taking, but it isn't.
In
every tango there is two people. If you are willingly giving to
someone who never returns the energy you are just as complicit in the
unbalanced nature of the relationship. If you have fed someone over
time, without demanding an equal exchange, the friendship is given an
unspoken acceptance to continue this way. If you then suddenly stop
giving, and want to take something back there is no room for this in
the relationship and so the friendship must either weather a storm or
end.
Some
friendships can weather any storm, and in these instances the
connection comes back with time or hard work. It may not be the same
connection it once was, but it is still two souls who see each other
as sacred. Other friendships can not weather the storm and the two
souls pull apart. It can be messy, hard, scary or it may be
acrimonious. The friendship may be only a barren season, or it may be
forever, only the universe and her Fates can possibly know at the
time. No matter if the break up it is mutual or messy, it is going to
be painful. Let yourself process the loss and grieve, explain to your
friends how you just need to talk about your feelings the same way
you would if it was a romantic break up. Keep in mind how special
this person once was in your life and let the kinship be remembered
as the sacred experience it was.
Move
forward in your life by thanking the universe for the lessons and
experiences you received throughout the time you shared as friends.
Have the grace and integrity to let go of the hurt and anger without
letting it paint a good thing with hate and spite. When you lash out
at the other person you are hurting yourself more than you hurt them.
Most
importantly though, forgive yourself for eventually moving on without
the other person, it is the right thing for both of you, no matter
how much it hurts at the time.
