Sarah no longer works for the company!

I am quite open when it comes to my mental health, I advocate better treatment for those of us struggling with mental health issues. I try hard to do my part towards diminishing the stigma associated with mental health, especially the stigma attached to those of us who have spent time in mental health units.

I use the privilege of my education and ability to communicate clearly to give a voice to those who may not be in a position to speak out. I’ve used my blog to talk openly about my diagnoses, recovery and past. I give honest accounts of my day on social media. I have however been keeping a secret.

It’s not a huge secret, in fact it probably isn’t even that important to most people. However, I am worried about being judged harshly for this secret because I judge myself. For all the advocating, all the times I tell people not to be ashamed, I’ve kept quiet because I am embarrassed.

At the time of my hospitalisation last year I help a very solid, high stress job. My whole future was based around this career, moving up the company ladder, getting pay rises. I thought I would be there forever. After coming out of hospital I began judging my recovery by how many hours of work I could do.

Success would be getting my life back to how it was before my diagnoses and sojourn in a Mental Health Unit. I would not be beaten by my mental illness. For months I told everyone it was taking time but coming along nicely. I was lying, to my employer, my husband, everyone else, but mostly I was lying to myself.

After 3 months of trying to fit back into my previous life, I realised it just wasn’t working. I wasn’t getting better, I wasn’t making any advancement toward getting back to my full-time hours. My husband and I made the decision to move from our friendly little town to the nearby city. Not only was my family in the city but the mental health services available were far better.

I stepped down as a manager within my company and took a leave of absence. I concentrated on making a home in the new city and coming to terms with losing the mask which had made me such a high-functioning employee. Still I told people it was just a little break and I would be right back at it soon.

After my leave of absence, I did not return. I realised success is not recreating the life I had before hospitalisation, that life is the reason I ended up in a mental health unit. Success will be finding what it is I can do next. It will be putting together a new life, facing each day within the confines of what my illness allows me to do.

Success is counting my spoons and not using too many in one day. It is finding the unconventional ways to help bring money into the household. It is having enough energy to cook dinner for my husband or meet a friend at a coffee shop.

Most importantly however, success is coming clean and letting go of this secret. I left my career behind to focus on my mental health and I will not be ashamed by my choice anymore.