Anxiety's crappy little "non-refundable" gifts!

I have been seeing a psychologist for ACT therapy (Acceptance and commitment therapy), which is about accepting our unpleasant emotions and thoughts and committing to techniques which diffuse and lessen the power these things have over us. I asked her how ACT therapy is going to help me with the physical sides of my anxiety. The answer was not thrilling. It isn’t going to help with the physical symptoms at all.

All this therapy, learning about “clean emotion” versus “dirty emotions”, all the self-help and mindfulness exercises and anxiety is still going to be my constant companion. Yep, that’s right, I get to accept the unpleasant feelings, (which I will admit makes the feelings less intense) but I am stuck with all the wonderfully crappy gifts my anxiety gives me.

Sweaty palms, racing heart, nausea, stomach complaints, indigestion, dry mouth, tension headaches and migraines are all here to stay. I can not stop the night terrors or insomnia, I just accept these are part of being me. The saddest part of all of this is these crappy gifts are source of more anxiety.

 Who likes going to a high stress job tired and cranky with your head feeling like you’ve been hit a few times with an axe? No one that’s who, once we realise the above scenario is a bad idea we stop getting hangovers on work days!

When I already feel bad I know it will be a hard day at work, I can accept my feelings, choose not to show them which I am really good at by the way, I did it for years. The physical markers of high anxiety are still there however, I am that co-worker who runs to the toilet too many times. The woman who seems to cry at absolutely everything. The person staring at a wall not hearing what you are saying. I’m chewing quick eze or sucking on a peppermint. Guzzling water to combat my dry mouth and stuttering my answers.

This is what all of anxiety’s crappy little gifts look like to you. I seem like a happy smiling, well adjusted person. A little scatty perhaps and slacking on the job because I “hide” in the bathroom, but I’m friendly and nice to people.

So, ACT therapy is not going to help me with any of these things, all it is going to do is make it so I no longer see anxiety as a big bad insurmountable emotion. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing, a great thing, it’s just a little disheartening to realise this is my life. Anxiety is my life, sleeplessness, nightmares, hot flushes (oh yeah, they aren’t just for menopause), headaches, none of it is going away.

Next time you look at someone who tells you they suffer anxiety, depression, or another chronic or mental illness just stop and take a second to consider how strong they must be. They are out there trying to get through life, smiling when they can and battling the emotional demons. They are doing all of that while dealing with all those physical crappy little gifts their illness gives to them on an hourly basis.’

Look at them and realise they are a freaking superstar, brave for admitting to a mental illness and braver still for fighting through the fog and symptoms every single day!