Why New Years Resolutions never work!

How many times have you made yourself a huge list of things that will change with the new year?

How many things on your list do you think you will still be working towards by the end of 2014? How many will turn up again on the 2015 resolution list?

New years resolutions are impossible to uphold, all we do is set ourselves up for failure. Writing that fateful yearly list is nothing more then self sabotage, something that as humans we are already very adept at. But why does it fail? We start with such high hopes and good intentions, but everything falls apart before the dust on the new year has even settled.

The biggest downfall for well meaning resolutions is the sheer size of most peoples list, how many of us put 10 or even 15 things on a list sculpting a huge change in our current lifestyle? Too many things to do at once is overwhelming, where do you start? Faced with the seemingly insurmountable our subconscious has already given up before we have even consciously started.

Working in retail management, where self development and improvement is as mandatory as adapting to change I often struggle with all of my shortcomings and perceptions of failure. I use to write huge lists of skills I needed to hone... Until I was given invaluable advice, a self improvement list should be less then 5 things to work on, three is a perfect number, finish that list before adding more.

Now isn't a list of New Years resolutions a very personal self improvement list? So why are we loading our selves up with so many things at once? Three things a year to work on is such a manageable number, and if we did it one thing at a time we would have 4 months for each resolution to become reality. In my case I have chosen to commit to just one thing and spend a whole 12 months improving one very important aspect of my life.

The other thing that lays waste to our carefully constructed list is a lack of detail (another lesson from retail management), goals should be both challenging and achievable, we don't truly appreciate what we achieve unless we work hard for it and likewise hard work needs to lead us to something for us to continue. What should our hard work lead us to? When is it enough? How will we know we have achieved our gaol and nailed our resolutions?

We need to be able to measure our goals, knowing how far we have come and how much further there is to go. The terms we set in our new years resolutions need to be realistic and specific and we need to give ourselves a fighting chance to achieve them.

For example lets take my one and only commitment for 2014 and break it down. I want to be a published author, so I could write my list of one as Get published, I can even measure that, either I will or will not get published in 2014. It is definitely challenging and seems achievable, but it is open to all kinds of interpretation. It is not specific and with the amount of naivety and innocence I have as a publishing virgin it isn't setting a very realistic picture.

I have a lot of work to do before I am ready to send my manuscript off to publishing houses, publishing is so far away I will surely get disheartened before achieving this goal. Challenging, achievable and measurable with milestones along the way, this is what I need. This is what we all need. So what is my actual one and only New Years resolution?

I will treat my writing like a part time job until such time as I can swap it to a full time job. I will work on editing my WIP, and educating myself about the professional world of publishing. After my WIP is edited and I am ready to seek out a publisher I will keep writing. I will not neglect my blogs, Facebook, Twitter or other tools an author needs like I have in 2013.

There you have it, longer then your usual New years resolution, if I was inclined I could make it into 4 individual yet related resolutions. I know I can achieve this and I know I can watch myself get closer to the dream of being published. It will be challenging finding time for a part time job when I already work a 50 hour a week day job, but I will work hard on my one and only resolution to improve something that is such a central aspect of my life.

I know I can achieve my resolution with hard work and dedication, how about you? What is on your New Years resolution list?

A moment of brutal honesty.

As the title of this blog suggests I am going to be completely and brutally honest with myself and anyone who takes the time to read this post. If you have long ago decided to stop reading my struggling, intermittently updated blog I can not really blame you, if you are still reading I thank you profusely for hanging in there!

Let's start with the obvious, and a point I have dedicated a whole post to in the past... I am a procrastinator! With all good intentions I keep putting things off till later, I make excuses for not doing something right this moment and then before I know it the time is too late to start, so I promise myself I will do it tomorrow. Tomorrow I find other things to take up my time, or struggle to catch with looming deadlines.

After a while I feel guilty for not doing something and actively look for ways to avoid it. A great example of this is (and I am not proud to admit this publicly but I am being brutally honest) washing the dishes. I have gone almost a whole week without filling a sink with water and washing our dishes. The first night is easy, I assure myself I will get to them in the morning, of course I choose the extra hour of sleep before getting ready for the day job over washing last nights dishes. So now I tell myself after work I'll do them, after work I am tired and the last thing I want to do is wash dishes just to dirty more. I tell myself I'll do them after dinner, now we have a HUGE pile of dirty dishes and my tummy is full, I just want to relax before bed. Three or four days of this and there are no clean pots and pans, I really should wash the dishes, it looks like it will take hours though so instead we have a take-out night...YAY no cooking and no dishes...except for the ones I am now ignoring! I turn the ever mounting pile of dishes into a subconscious elephant in the room, when I finally get around to doing them it takes less time then I thought and I feel so much better for having finished them, I promise myself to wash the dishes every day....but maybe not tonight’s dishes...I'll do them tomorrow!

Lets take this scenario now and apply it to every part of my life. My Upcoming wedding, walking the dog, Facebook, Twitter, my writing and both my blogs. The only place I don't seem to fall into the procrastination trap is my day job, which is quite odd because my writing means so much more to me than working retail! Days off are so stressful because I don't know what to do first or how to catch up with all the things I have put on hold. I haven't had contact with my celebrant in 4 months now and she is waiting for the forms I have to fill in, I should do this, but will it shock her to hear from me? I could easily talk myself out of contacting her at all and she is a lovely lady. It is so bad that I am even telling myself I don't need to get married we should just call the whole thing off and stay the way we are now...except I really really want to be married, I want to be Mrs Saunders legally not just as a pen name! Best I stop procrastinating and get in touch then, right?

The second part of the shameful lack of productivity in my non-work life is I lie!

Mostly to myself and possibly not always on purpose, is it still lying if when I tell Mr Saunders I am going to work on my WIP I mean it? I noticed the other day I don't make decisive statements it is always “I think I am going to”, “maybe I will”, “I might” or “I will try”, that way if I don't do what I said I have an easy out, I never said I was definitely going to do that. I often make plans to hang out with people and back out of them later, because I really didn't want to do it in the first place, if I have kept plans I have made with you then you are someone important in my world. I should just be honest and say, I don't think that sounds like something I would enjoy, instead I say that sounds fun I will try really hard to make it. The truth is It doesn't sound fun, I don't want to do it, I am too much of a homebody to enjoy going out (even to your house) but I will try and talk myself into it. Maybe I should try just saying the truth.

My writing is again the sticky one here, I love writing, and while editing my WIP is slow and arduous and not as much fun as coming up with the story I enjoy it when I finally make myself sit down and open the editing suit. I wake up many mornings and convince myself I will write/edit, yet the day gets on and I never come and sit down at the computer. This moment right here is the second time I have sat at the computer since Sunday (it is now Wednesday), before that it was three months since I looked at my Facebook, twitter account or even spent any remarkable time near a computer. I sit here now telling myself it just isn't good enough and I will do better! But how can I trust myself? My integrity is truly lacking when it comes to doing what I set out to do. It must be time to start doing what I say I will and not agreeing to things that do not sound fun, there is no shame in being content with a quiet lazy life. People may think it is rude to turn down an invitation because you just don't feel like leaving the house on a weekend, but isn't not showing up or making excuses for not being there after saying you will even ruder?

I'm not sure I can do much about being a procrastinator, but I am positive I can improve the integrity of my internal dialogue, no longer will I say “yes but” from now on I will say “no because”, I will not make brash statements that I will blog weekly and check Facebook and Twitter daily, but I will try and be around more, I will try to not let three months of procrastination and excuses pass by and if it does I will be honest about it. Juggling life is hard, Management in retail is time consuming, I need time to decompress, and sometimes I just want to spend time with Mr Saunders or my daughter. However I am going to make an effort to be more visible and keep plodding away at my WIP. I wanted to be ready to look for a publisher by the end of 2013, that is not going to happen, I'm not going to make a rash statement or promise here but lets aim for Easter. If that doesn't work, Christmas 2014.

Do you think I can do it? What have you been procrastinating over? Maybe we can work together!

Excuses, excuses, excuses or Busy, busy, busy?

I have been racked with guilt for the last few weeks, I seem to keep ignoring things I should be doing. this can be an issue as I am a HUGE procrastinator. The problem is I am not sure if I am procrastinating or just really busy. I could ask people their opinion but then we just add “needy” to procrastinating!

I came back from a wonderful holiday full of renewed vigour and determination to do more. I really meant to be busy, busy, busy, and it feels like I am but it isn't the things I want to be busy with. My big plans of organising all the final small details of our wedding, my determination to upload one blog post a week, keeping Facebook and twitter up to date and even editing the WIP have all fallen by the way side.

This is the fourth week since my last blog update, Facebook and twitter have definitely been neglected, I haven't looked at my WIP since returning from holidays, and wedding plans are in an indefinite holding pattern. I keep meaning to make time, but whenever there is a moment with nothing to do or no one to see, I sit down with a book, play a game, watch a movie or stare into space. Then I feel guilty because those two or three hours could have been spent doing any number of tasks on the list of things I am going to make time for.

I realise that the body, mind and soul need relaxation time and for me reading a good book is the greatest kind of relaxation, without taking time out the creative juices will cease to flow...right?

Everything I read about writing and becoming published tells me to sit down and write whether I feel like it or not, get up earlier, go to bed later, stop watching TV, lock the door and write. I thought this was sage advice, I tried to follow it. I gave up computer games, television, movies (I still read, why write if you don't read?), pretty soon I was doing nothing but the day job and writing, except I wasn't writing anything good, I couldn't keep my mind on the editing process, I was becoming indecisive and reclusive.

Friends were asking why I wasn't seeing or speaking to them, the day job was a chore and I was way to tired to be there anyway having stayed up late with my ineffectual writing. So after my holiday I added spending time with the people important to me and quality time with Mr Saunders, This meant late nights and trying to cram writing into weird times. A change in habit is a procrastinator's worst dream, It makes finding the time so much harder and the excuses for not finding the time so much easier.

I haven’t been able to find much time for the computer, Christmas is approaching and the day job is getting madder by the day (as retail does with the onset of the silly season), Huge amounts of over time, then cooking and cleaning, when my day off comes around I sleep, spend time with Mr Saunders, catch up with a friend, or as I am today organise family dinner with my daughter and her girlfriend. When all of this is said and done I would kill for a few minutes to myself so I read, have a long shower or just stare into space.

Add to this my two weeks trying to beat the worst flu I have had in years and you get a lot more sleeping. It seems hard to say I am too busy to write when all I seem to do is work, sleep and see a couple of friends. Writing (as fun and wonderful as it is to create new worlds and imaginary friends) is another kind of work, and one that takes a lot of mental and creative energy. If I don't take the time to recharge and re-energise how can I do justice to the worlds I am trying to get down onto paper?

Having put my rambling thoughts down into a blog update (YAY!! one thing done!) I am still not sure if I am making excuses or genuinely busy, What are your opinions? Do you find life getting in the way of the things you wish you could be doing? Do you feel guilty for not enough done?

Relaxing is exhausting!

 I think I need a holiday to recover from my amazing Brisbane holiday Extravaganza! Don't get me wrong, I feel quite refreshed and energised, but it was an intense couple of weeks. I was expecting leisurely days under trees just me and a good book (or my laptop), what I got was madness. Joyous, staggering, undeniable, non-stopping madness!

There were very few moments of peace and quiet and some days it seemed like everyone was clamouring for our attention. Mr Saunders and myself have never felt so popular. The downside to this of course was the overwhelming (albeit at times self imposed) pressure to give up things we really wanted to do, or time we wanted to spend alone to see everyone who desperately wanted to catch up. We didn't get to catch up with everyone and Truly we are sorry, but there are only so many hours in two weeks and we used every single one of them!

We began our holiday by going to Imbil and saying goodbye to Mr Saunders' stepfather, a truly amazing man. Alan will be sincerely missed by everyone who knew him, being able to see his memorial stone out in the forest on his favourite corner of the rally track was a touching moment that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

After the quiet and reflective weekend the Catching up began, not just with friends and family, there are places in Brisbane that mean a lot to Mr Saunders and myself, places we went together on dates as well as places we had never seen together before. There was shopping to be done and glorious food to be had, as much as I like Mt Isa it is not a town that offers the culinary or fashion choices of bigger city.

It seemed every day was a fast paced reckoning, a race to get as much in as possible, by the end of our first week we knew there was no possible way we could fit everything we wanted in and the sacrifices began. 

We didn't want to seem ungrateful or rude but it was just not practical to afford every person we knew an individual time to catch up with us. Some people may think it is rude that we did not chase them down and pinpoint precise times to catch up personally and at their convenience but if we allowed ourselves to work around everyone else's availability we would have gotten even less time to enjoy the sights. As it was we wasted a few days waiting for people who didn't make it to meet us at the time they said they would.

Rather then dwell on the parts of our holiday that didn't go to plan Mr Saunders and myself decided to prioritise our remaining time and make the most of the places we could see and the things we did do. We bought clothes and shoes and other products not available in Mt Isa, we walked around Brisbane city taking in the beauty and sights of a city we miss and spent much needed time with family. The highlights of the trip for me, were many, Yum Cha at King of Kings Seafood Restaurant (the place our wedding reception will be held) with a group of old and dear friends, Margarita’s at Cactus Republic with Mr Saunders and the Beautiful Timeetee, as well as Dinner at Le Classic French Restaurant with mum and Mr Saunders.

A lot of the highlights revolve around good company and good food, both of which are very important in my world. Mr Saunders and I treasure our friends and family, and being the die-hard foodies we are can not go past an opportunity to share amazing food with the ones we love. Indeed my two top highlights from the holiday also involve food, on our last full day in Brisbane we headed out to Red Hill and ate lunch in a small, local kebab shop called No No's, a place we would eat at every week when we lived in the area. Walking through the old neighbourhood and eating the best kebabs on offer in Brisbane was a great way to reminisce. We even bought some other Lebanese goodies to bring home with us.

The best day of the entire trip however was definitely our anniversary (or what would have been our wedding day if we had not postponed it.), We spent an entire day together with just the two of us. 

After a nice breakfast we walked through the Mount Coot-tha Botanic Gardens and stood in the lychee garden which is where we will stand again next year when we finally get married. 

We had Mexican ( Cactus Republic again) for lunch before a relaxing walk through South Bank, a reservation at Sono for dinner was the perfect ending to the day. We had the Zen Course complimented with sake tasting, plum wine (for me) and Japanese beer (Mr Saunders), one of the best anniversary dinners ever!

It was an amazing holiday but I'm so glad to be home, we both missed the babies very much, I am even looking forward to returning to the day job and will be making an effort to find more time for writing. I look forward to our next trip away though perhaps we will go somewhere a little less hectic then a city where we know so many people, I’m going to have to put my thinking hat on and find a place where unlike the bar Cheers, nobody knows your name.

From song to story: A flash fiction event.

not long ago I was feeling like a joiner, so I took part in a an end of month event in a writer's group I follow on Facebook. The premise was simple, A 500 word flash story inspired by one of your favourite songs. It was not the easiest thing to put together.Both the length and interpretation of a song I have listened to a million times making it much more arduous then I imagined when I first sat down to "knock it over" in 30 mins!  I was quiet happy with the results however so I thought I would share my first piece of flash fiction with you all. Feel free to leave your own in the comments!

Where the Wild Roses Grow, (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, feat Kylie Minogue)

“Don't blink, don't blink!” This is the mantra going through my head, if I blink they will know I'm not dead. I am not sure why but I really don't want these men in blue uniforms to know I am alive. They look at me with pity, their eyes are so sad, but I can't trust them I can't trust anyone. I don't remember how I ended floating face up in the river, why I came down to the river at all. What I do know is my head hurts and I'm cold, the kind of cold that creeps all the way down to your bones, I don't feel like I will ever be warm again.

Finally, they start to move away, one lingers at the water's edge. He is familiar but I can not place him. I feel like I know him, but from where? He crouches and tilts his head studying me.

“Don't blink, don't blink, don't move!” I really don't want this man near me, I don't want him to know I am still alive. He looks over his shoulder then turns back and smiles at me.

“Oh God, he knows I'm not dead!”

Even through my fear, this man is beautiful, as he reaches to touch me I will myself to stay still, I long to feel his skin against mine, but I really don't want him to touch me. He runs his fingers down my cheek, he is so warm and I fight the urge to shiver in delight.

“My sweet Rose.” His voice is intoxicating, I would follow this man anywhere, he terrifies me, but still I would follow him if he asked. My name is not Rose however, he has me confused with someone else. He leans forward and takes something from my mouth, a rose I didn't even know was there. He holds it to his nose and inhales deeply looking into my eyes with such intensity I am sure he can see through to my very soul.

He is staring at me.

“Don't blink, don't blink, don't let him know.” Just when I am sure I can not keep my eyes open any longer there is a noise behind him. He jumps up and quickly stuffs the rose down his shirt, he blows me a kiss.

“Now you know where the wild roses grow!” He turns and walks away as my soul screams.

“Blink...blink...blink now Elisa!” But I can't blink, I can't move, I can't tell him I am not his rose. It all comes crashing back to me, the beautiful new policeman that came to the diner, if only I hadn't been the one to pour his coffee, if only I hadn't smiled.

If only I had known where the wild roses grow!

Why do we do what we do?

I have a habit one I am sure I share with many writers, both new and old, published or otherwise. I read every interesting blog I can find about writing or hosted by writers. I have open tabs on chrome of blogs I have found links to but not yet found time to read and even an in-box full of posts from blogs I have subscribed to. Every now and then when the backlog of unread blogs gets too high I sit down and commit to an afternoon of blog reading.

One of these blogs I subscribe to The other side of the story, posts quite regularly and has been filling my in-box with links to new posts making me feel first lackadaisical and then guilty. If you subscribe to something you really should pay it the attention you have implied you would, it is a social contract and as Sheldon Cooper would tell us “...If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy.”

I do not want to be the cause of any anarchical dystopian world (well actually I do...but only the ones I create in my head to put down on paper), so I set aside some time to read a few of the many awesome posts from The other side of the story. One of these was a Guest Author spot by Michael Kinn posted back in early May. I must say Kinn's post Speculative Ninjas for the Win! Really spoke to me, it inspired me, not to sit down and write but to try and define what it is about writing that captures my soul.

At a time when my personal life is quite stressful and the fun part of writing (the actual writing) seems like a distance memory as I am bogged down in editing and proof reading my WIP, Michael Kinn's guest blog (The Other side of the story, May 10 2013) was exactly what I needed to read, in it he tells us that:

“Whatever your occupation, someone is bound to ask the dreaded question: “Why do you do what you do?” Great if you happen to be a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon. What if you’re, say, a writer? Why do you write?”

At first glance that seems like such an easy question, I ask it of myself and I feel the answer deep in my heart, right down to the pit of my stomach. I write because I have to....I need to...I want to...It relieves the daily stress, calms the nerves, gives my over active imagination an outlet. This is not really the answer people want to hear, it is not clear or concise, I am pretty sure only another writer or artistically inclined person would understand the sentiment.

This answer also does not explain why after the actual writing is done and the pain and headaches (yes I'm melodramatic...I am writer for gods sake!) of editing and proof reading so my baby is ready to be pitched to virtual strangers who will not all be kind.

So why do I do this? Why do I write? Why do I embrace all of the aspects of being a writer, even those that are no fun? Why do I identify as a writer when I have never been published? Why do I want to be published?

I'm looking for the pitch Michael Kinn says is important, that short and sweet, flippant statement that explains everything and nothing, but I can't get to this unless I know the longer answer.

Why do I do this? Why do I write?

The easiest way for me to understand my own feelings and make sense of my world is to write about it, make it a story. I have a tendency to have very vivid and sometimes disturbing dreams, the emotions raised by these dreams will often stay with me well into the next day. A nightmare can actually ruin my whole day if I can not get it out of my head. Because of this I started writing my dreams down a long time ago, I have a dream journal that I use, but a lot of my more vivid dreams take on a mind of their own and become long and involved stories. My current WIP is actually quite a few snippets of dreams that took on a life of their own and joined together.

Why do I embrace all of the aspects of being a writer, even those that are no fun?

This is a simpler answer, If I am going to anything I am going to do it properly. I am stubborn, I am a perfectionist, I give everything I undertake one hundred percent. Writing the story and getting it out of my head is fun, but I want my story to be the best I am capable of, I want my story to be complete and consistent. I want my story to be something I am proud of! After all my mummybear has always told me, without pain there is no gain.

Why do I identify as a writer when I have never been published?

I wanted to be writer ever since I read my first book. The only thing better then curling up with a pot of tea and a good book is curling up with a pot of tea and writing. Writing makes me whole, it makes me happy, calm and centred. If I don't write the voices in my head start yelling and screaming to be heard.

Some of my best friends are the characters I write about, I can have conversations with them, I can interact with them...of course if I walked around talking to imaginary people I might become very familiar with the inside of a padded room!

I am a writer because that is what I do, it is what my imaginary friends demand I do, If I stop writing they will never become as real to the rest of the world as they are to me.

Why do I want to be published?

Largely for my own ego, I want the validation of being good enough for a publishing house to look at. I would be lying if I didn't include that truth.

Who doesn't want the accolade, and euphoria that comes with other people not only reading your work but telling you it is good. I have never had a five star review, but can't wait to become published and find out just how amazing it feels to get one.

On a more modest note, writing is my dream job, If I could chose to do anything it would be to be paid to write and share my worlds with other people. Getting published is one step closer to living the dream.

So what is the short answer? What is my pitch? What would my answer be if Michael Kinn asked me 'why do you write?'

Quite simply, the answer has to be:

I'm too crazy to know any better!

Now it's your turn, Why do you do what you do? Do you have a choice in what you do? Do you enjoy all aspects of what you do? Are you working towards living the dream or are you already there?

Making the hard decisions sucks! No really it seriously sucks!

There is something about acting like an adult and making hard but needed decisions that makes my inner child chuck a tantrum so big and loud it can be seen on the outside. Most of the time I can keep my inner tyke contained or at the very least bribed to stay quiet, recent decisions however have tested and broken my steely resolve to be a dignified adult.

Due to (partially) unexpected circumstances and a huge lack of financial planning on our part we had to make a call will we cut back on our magical day of matrimony and go ahead with a bargain basement wedding, or will we wait another 12 months and ensure we are able to have exactly what we wanted?

As adults we have of course decided to wait another 12 months and do things the right way without all the stress, financial and otherwise. This is smart, this is wise, this is what any responsible adult would do! Still my inner two year old (who I call Princess) doesn't understand the concept of waiting. “I want to be Mrs Saunders and I want pretty clothes and pretty hair and I want people to look at me...I want to be Mrs Saunders NOW! (Or at the very latest August 13 this year...) why can't I be Mrs Saunders now...now now now NOW!!”

My inner teenager is not 'digging' the decision either, she has been planning her wedding for as long as we can remember. So after the fist beating throw yourself on the floor tantrums of Princess I get to work through an eye rolling, angst ridden lecture...”How hard could it be? just use the money. It seriously can't be that hard to find a florist on short notice, who cares (insert metaphorical eye roll) that the one you thought would do it pulled out? Just ring a florist they will know what you want god it isn't hard, bet I could do it...oh and I know you are saving for a wedding but get me those shoes I want...NOW!”

Unfortunately adult Sarah has not been as vocal as either of these younger inner egos lately, so poor Mr Saunders has had to put up with a lot of sulking and petulance. I knew I had hit the low point when I started conceiving a plan to go to the Mount Isa council office and quietly get married. Never in my life did I see my wedding to my soulmate that way, and I am pretty sure Mummybear and Mum would both be heartbroken without being there for our special day.

I have now started to get my head around the concept that there will be another 14 months until saying I do and legally becoming Mrs Sarah Saunders. I had one very tear filled morning at the day job when I had to cancel my annual leave and explain why, but I swear that is all behind me now, I have put on the big girl pants and no matter how much I want it to be as planned the wedding is officially postponed. It will be better for it, less stress, more money, better planned.

I need to stay focused though, it may be all to easy to sit back and do nothing until it is too late again! That procrastination trait rears its ugly head all too easily sometimes and some things just can not be achieved adequately with stress and deadlines looming large.

I am interested to know what decisions other people have found hard to make, do you ever regret making the adult decision? Has waiting for something so important made it better when it finally happens? Is your inner child easy to keep quiet? Share your story in the comments...