Wow, it has been over two months since I last posted anything here, I'm so sorry for the huge delay. I've been busy doing so much, I always seem to run out of energy before getting around to blogging. That's the problem with mental health, as we feel better we keep on trying to do more and more, eventually something has to give. If you are interested in where my time has gone, you can find out here, here, or here
Anyone following my
story would already know, its been a hard struggle for me to get back
on my feet after a massive, life-as-I-knew-it, destroying episode
back in April and May 2017. Part of the struggle was coming to terms
with those things triggering my anxiety and causing depressive
episodes. A traditional work life is one of the major causes of my
panic attacks and heightened anxiety. The thought of putting on a
uniform is enough to cause me real discomfort, trying to put one on
actually makes me begin hyperventilating.
So I needed to let
go of the well paying job I had with a company who cared more about
money and metrics than people. I've also moved away from trying to
find a job which would see me leaving the house multiple times a
week, I am just not able to do it. Instead I found ways to make money
while at home, and with the assistance of my amazing mother in law
and gorgeous, ever supportive husband I am slowly starting to see an
income with what I am doing.
It's hard work
though, working from home is not all fun and games and no where near
as easy as getting up and going out to work. In a traditional job,
you take off your uniform and sit down to relax at the end of a hard
day. Working from home however, is almost never ending, its exciting
to be building something, but every day seems to involve working
towards a sustainable income.
My tendency is to go
and go until I can't and then sleep and sleep because (like so many
of us with chronic or mental illnesses) I forgot to count my spoons.
It is never my work that suffers though, rather I stop writing my
blog, don't watch TV with my husband, take the dog on shorter walks
or no longer bake for pleasure. I make my occupation (whether self or
company employed) all consuming and I only come up for air when I am
drowning.
Something had to
give, my husband, and our dog was suffering, I was suffering, though
as a Taurean I was far to stubborn to see it until it was too late.
As my husband pointed out, working myself into the ground is how I
ended up missing all of the warning signs of an impeding,
catastrophic, breakdown. I needed to do something to slow my
pathological overworking persona down. The conclusion we came to was
so simple, I have no idea why it wasn't obvious before. I needed a
Roster.
Years of working
hard, has left my brain (and yours too I bet) wired to follow a
schedule. Without a roster, my brain is in free fall, asking itself
"are we working or are we playing?" My anxiety is in over
drive, "there are deadlines to be met and things to do and we
have to do all the things now, now, NOW!" Then along would come
depression, "I'm tired, this is too much to think about lets
take a three hour nap". The home roster is the perfect way to
calm my inner worry and avoid giving in to the nap.
It isn't as tight as
a work roster would be, I do allow myself some flexibility, If there
really is a deadline, I will work longer, I take the time off another
day however, to make sure I am not overdoing the spoon consumption.
So what does my roster look like?
7am get up take
morning tablets, wash dishes, walk the dog
8am prepare and eat
breakfast, do daily hygiene regimine
9am-12pm work (I
choose between my photography, spiritual work, or writing)
12pm-1pm prepare and
eat lunch, cuddle the pets
1pm-4pm work
(possibly choosing to do something different)
4pm-5pm me time
5pm-7:30pm prepare
dinner
7:30-10pm eat dinner
and have Husband time
10pm-11pm wind down
reading
11pm lights out
On the days I don't
work, which is every second weekend, every second Tuesday and every
Friday, I let myself sleep in and watch Netflix. It's not a perfect
fix, I still break the rules, but I'm learning to work with a home
schedule and it seems to be helping. After all, I've found the time
and energy to write my personal blog. What do you think of a home
roster, is it something which could help you?
